Might Have Been Expected

Having been well over a week now I reflect on how I have been feeling and what has all transpired.  

To start with the positives .... not one thought of using, no cravings and have not found myself in any situation or with anyone which forced me to implement any recovery strategies such as physical departure.  All very, very positive.  The inner dialogue between my rational self and the addict within has not been taken place.  My thoughts concerning this either that cunning little addict realizes at this time 'his' best strategy is to wait, seeking the most advantageous time to prop up his pressure and dialogue or that there simply has been no room within my mental thoughts recently to even entertain yet another voice within my head.  No matter the reason, I have been rather pleased that there has not been a struggle on this front which tests my fortitude, determination and will.  As the days ... hehe, seconds, tick by, I feel more and more comfortable and empowered to living my life without any reliance upon substances but do realize those tests of strength and desire will eventually present themselves.  Attempting not to feel to over confident I must admit I do feel ready and well armed to meet these inevitable challenges.  

I have been doing the 'Action' of action though my inner critic has not been nearly as quiet as my addict and continual tells me I could and should be doing more.  Attending meetings, physical activity, establishing boundaries, etc. have all been part of the plan.  Indeed, without an adherence to what I know 'works' I would most likely .... well, I don't exactly know but what I do know is that I would not care to find out.  

Concerning the negatives .... well, since leaving the Ranch I can honestly say I have had moments of bliss, joy and happiness but I can honestly say I have had only one day which comprised mainly of those thoughts and feelings.  The rest have been days I would prefer not to relive.  Upon leaving the Ranch all of the issues, money, debt, housing, employment, legal, family, friends, shame, guilt, etc. have only gotten worse from my perspective.  The old coping mechanisms are no longer sufficient or desired for handling the stresses and concerns of this addict and the new strategies and skills are slowly being employed.  Yet, days or even weeks is not enough time to reprogram and see results.  The daily reflection taking place within my head would have to be summarized simply by .... this sucks.  And the worst part is my inner critic attempts to shame and guilt myself into thinking that feeling this way, seeing things this way, thinking this way is one of immaturity, foolish and in fact being a baby.  

In hindsight, I come to realize facing the stresses and challenges of the life I left behind upon entering the Ranch would of course not be particularly enjoyable nor avoidable.  Though I truly believe through working the plan, maintaining the vigilance and fighting the good fight, that all this too shall pass.  In the end, it is worth it and more then anything else, I want it.  

Jason